there's something different between us

i miss that place, seriously.
Biasanya, dari sini, gue ngeliatin niel.
niel kadang-kadang main futsal di lapangan.
Dan gue biasanya duduk disitu, ditemenin tas-tas.
niel setiap hari kalo disekolah lewat sini, atau sekedar buat ke kantin.
niel juga sering ngobrol sama temen-temennya disini.
Dan dari sini, gue sering ngeliatin dia meskipun kadang-kadang beresiko kena bola.
Hari ini. disaat gue nulis postingan ini... Gue ngerasa kehilangan.

Rasanya gak adil, gue baru jadian, tapi kita udah harus pisah sekolah.
Dia harus ke gonz. Pisah sama gue.
Jujur aja, gue takut kalo dia SMA jadi lupa sama gue.
Sibuk sama tugas-tugas, sibuk berorientasi sama temen-temen baru.
Atau mungkin... kepincut sama cewek baru. Tragis.

sekarang jadi jarang bgt ketemu, sama-sama sibuk. padahal rumah deket tinggal nyebrang. tapi ketemu aja susah.
Malahan, kalo ketemu, gue yang kabur karena masih malu-malu norak gitu.
Tapi, tetep aja sedih.
Besok dan seterusnya, gue tambah males masuk sekolah.

Karena sampai saat ini, cuman Niel satu-satunya alasan kenapa gue semangat masuk sekolah.
mulai sekarang dan seterusnya, kita udah gak satu sekolah lagi.
Well......... I'm going to miss him like hell.
And school......... School always sucks without him around.

this is isn't story about you, this is for you :

Really. I don’t know where to start.

Yeah, I’ve been planning to write something about you, something for you, so you can know how much you mean to me. I want you to know that you’ve changed my life and my point of view about it. I thought if I write you something, you will know how much I love you. I need you. I think of you. I care about you. How special you are for me. I just can’t find the right words. I’m trying hard not to write them too cheesy.

This isn’t a love letter. I don’t even know what I should call this. But I dedicate this to you :P

I was not good at showing you how much I. Love. You. I hope you can understand. I wasn’t typical of romantic girl, yeah but you change me. I’m so happy knowing that I could say “I love you” to you shamelessly yesterday. I. Love. How. You. Make. Me. Feel!

I’m tired of this kind of conversation.

” L: Kamu baik banget! N: Baik kenapa? L: Gatau, baik aja. Baik bgt. N: -__-”

” L: Aku syg kamu…ah MALU! N: Hahaha kalo beneran syg kenapa malu.”

I didn’t know what the heck is happening to me everytime you ask me that. Did I say I don’t know? I always know it! I’m not saying that because of no reason! It’s because there’s too much reason and I can’t tell you one by one. I’m too shy.

I read this article yesterday: http://sweetnostalgia.wordpress.com/2007/10/30/find-someone/

Find someone who will kiss you just before the traffic light turns green. Who will close his eyes when he hugs you, who will patiently wait for you after class or after work. Who will smell your hair every chance he gets, who will wipe your sweat with his hanky. Who will sing your favorite song even if he can’t carry a tune. Who will let you rest over his shoulder. Who’ll let you sleep on his lap and will give you the first and last bite of his burger. Who’ll squeeze your hand tighter when you squeezed his… Find someone who occupies your dream every night. And when you find him never let him go.

It was so reminding me of you. You are what I’ve been wishing for. I appreciate every little things you’ve done to me until now. I read that article and I realized that you’ve been very nice and mean SO MUCH to me.

I’ve been in love before. But I never this sure of someone.. I’m never this afraid of losing someone. I never feel like this, wanting to be by your side everytime. I miss you everytime you’re not here.

I don’t know exactly the first time I felt so comfortable with your presence in my life, but it’s getting so much better since you came :) I never forget to fall in love with you everyday, you’re the first thought in my mind when I wake up, also my last when the night falls.

Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little fights, and all our jokes, I fell in love ♥

Life was so much boring before I met you. You’ve changed me, you’ve changed my life. You make me trust again. You can listen to the words I’m not saying. You fill my empty words. You get along with my family :P You never make me cry and you don’t even want to. You never make fun of me. You’ve been at my side when I need you. You showed me that I never have to be alone for as long as you’re around. I love how you make me feel special. You make me feel loved, needed. You’ve seen me at my worst, and yet you still love me. I hurt you, I’ve let you down, and you still love me for who I am. THANK YOU. SO MUCH!

I need you. You mean everything to me. I do hope you feel the same :)

Things are going to change from now but it won’t change me. I don’t know what will happen in the future, all I know is I want you to accompany me. I love you means I will accept you when you’re at your best and worst. I will love you when things are easy and difficult. I’ve waited for someone like you for a long time, I’m not letting you go! I don’t believe in forever, but I believe some things are just remain the same :)

I’m happy with you! No one can ever change my mind except you. I’m staying. Through the good and bad times, I’m willing to stay :)

Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for being so nice to me. Thank you for loving me, Niel :)

I LOVE YOU!

Bernadette Indah Larasati ^^

Suddenly I Remembered.................. :'/

Fuckin' flashback is attack me now... How can? I'm just really didn't know why it's so hard to do, sometimes felt like I really hate you for sure. You've change and I don't even know who you are cause you're different than before. Now I have someone who better than you and I hope so. Even I know you're the best ex I ever had... You're the 1st and no one can change it, may you felt the same way too.. The first would never be replaced

so now i know where my position in your heart, thanks for your kindness for didnt want to hurt me, i appreciate that, you're kind, really, i feel warm when i still with you, you're the best boyfriend i ever had, its the first time i feel i loved by someone, you give me a deep memories in my hearts. i know life must be go on, nothing can be forever, maybe i'm too much, but i really love you from my heart, i want to take care of you, i want to barrier you, i still want to be with you, but................................. its only my ego, i cant do anything, i dont want to treatened you, i must give you a freedom. fyi, when i write this, i'm crying haha... i want to show you that i'm strong but what? i'm crying again -,- i'll try my best to be stronger again, sorry for disturbing you, i'll keep our memories warmly in my heart, i wont forget you, stupid me to hope we can be like before, i still love you, more and more but maybe its time for me to pass you away, to someone heart, maybe................ haha truthly, i'm always looking for your facebook profile and idk why i always felt jealous.... i always looking for you, waiting for you, but when i know your words 'i dont want to hurt her' serously, my hope flew away.............. i dont know where my hope goes by, thanks for everything and your kindness.. please, searching a good girl and improve your score for me too.... i only want to seeing you happy. idk what to do, because its my first time really in love with someone, not 'want to keep someone for us',but at least, no words can off from my mouth, its your choice, i'll miss you, take care chibby

dedicated for AAP

Nathaniel Sabian Sitorus 20042010♥

N : ".....nggg rasss, nggg.......gue suka sama lo nggg...."
L : "ha?heeee"
N : "....nggg lo mau gak ras?"
L : "mau apa?"
N : "......nggg mau gak jadi cewek gua?"
L : -----spechless
N : "ras jawab dong ras ngggggg hmmmm mmmm....."
L : "iya mau kok......"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nathaniel Sabian Sitorus. dua puluh april dua ribu sepuluh. Just for your information, I love him so much. He's the one and only for me. I've been waiting too long for him, and now when he's mine, I'll try to give my best and I never want to disappoint him. Even sometimes he doesn't care, sensitive and doesn't respect me, he's still the best I've ever had and I'm so thankfull I found him :) I've tried so hard to understand that he has his own way to show his love for me. He's my number one guy and I'll always making time for him. I want him to stay close, don't go. And I want him to know that I miss him all the time, more and more each day :)

niel, thanks for bringing back my smile. I was glad to have you.You are the entertainer for me if I’m lonely.Thanks for everything.Thanks for your attention to me.Only you who understand me I really adore you.Without you maybe I was lonely.You’re my mood booster. You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could live without you for as long as I have. I love you, more than you can ever imagine. I always have, and i always will♥

my last words

disaat merana, memikul beban dalam keputusasaan

mendengar bisik-bisik hampa dalam jurang kemunafikan

merasakan getaran-getaran kejujuran dalam sebuah kebohongan

mencari arti sebuah hidup karena tercipta kematian

aku berjalan, berhenti, berlari, kemudian mencari lagi

hanya karena ku tak mampu berpaling dan menjalani

semua yang ada dan tertulis kemudian berakhir

kau adalah jalan menuju surga, sebelum akhirnya ku terjembab di neraka

kau adalah cerita sebelum tidur, ketika akhirnya menjadi cerita sesudah mati

kau bukan kenangan, bukan memori, bukan masa lalu

tapi kau adalah hari esok, ketika hari kemarin adalah mimpi

Tuhan memang tidak pernah memberi apa yang kupinta, tapi Tuhan selalu memberi apa yang kubutuhkan

dan bila akhirnya ku melepasmu, bukan berarti kau bukan kebutuhanku

namun bila Tuhan memberiku kembali padamu, apakah aku sesuatu yang kau pinta?

kembalilah kesini, karena langitku pudar akan mentarinya

mentari yang dulu pernah dan selalu menerangi

sudi kah bila langit yang dulu cerah, kini menjadi abu-abu, sebelum akhirnya pudar menjadi hitam?

keterbatasan dan perbedaan telah kutempa

namun kau selalu ada di relungku, tanpa tanda kutip sedikitpun

.... ajari aku melupakanmu

**********

finished actually.
how how how?
anjing demi Tuhan gue ngakak sendiri bacanya. what the hell is going on me so I could write a slut like this?
hehehe. don't judge me. gue nggak pernah berpikiran macem-macem, so calm down.
anjrit yang terakhir dalem tuh padahal. 'tell me how to forget you."
ssssshit. omg that's so true. tell me how to forget you, when finally I miss you and I can't have you. anymore.
belakangan ini gue kayak kena psikis sindrom.
iya. sering ngerusak diri sendiri. entah kenapa, itu bisa bikin gue bahagia. walaupun itu salah.
the best thing of life is when you could find yourself when you're missing.
dan sekarang, gue kayak kehilangan jati diri. lupa siapa gue sebenernya, dan lakuin apapun yang bisa dilakuin.
is it... weird enough?
please banget, gue pengen berhenti. tapi semenjak depresi & terlalu banyak problem, i've been gave up.
gue nyerahin semuanya sama fate. sama takdir, tanpa berusaha sedikitpun.
dan ujung-ujungnya jadi sableng sendiri. oh please, thumb down.

siapa sih yang bisa ngertiin gue?
siapa sih yang masih peduliin gue?
siapa sih yang mau dengerin gue?

setiap hari gue ulang pertanyaan itu, walaupun gue gapernah nemuin jawaban pastinya.
dan gue ngulang kata-kata itu sampe gak ada artinya lagi. enough.
tapi gue bahagia sama hidup gue.
walaupun gak sebahagia seminggu yang lalu. ups...
iya. dunia gue kayak diputer balik. gak ngerti deh kenapa.
yang jelas kayak lo lagi main di padang rumput yang cool banget scenery-nya, sebelum beberapa saat kemudian lo jatuh di jurangnya.
kayak gitu. sumpah. serius.
yaudah.. i deserved to move on like what they've said before.
meskipun saya kadang suka tidak yakin haha.
yaudahsihjalaninaja.
sekarang cuma bisa.. nunggu :/

For him I'd smile when he's happy kiss him when he's sad... try to be the perfect girl and calm him when he's mad hold his hand to make him strong and say he's right when I know he's wrong.

thankyou and goodbe iyel, RIP 26-01-09

happy 13th months anniversary

Happy 13th month anniversary baby! You are my one and only. I love you, te amo, je t'aime, No me ames, wo ai ni, aishiteru, ich liebt dich, aku cinta kamu♥ I don't wanna have a happy ending for our relationship sayang, cause I don't wanna see it ends :')

I don't.....know what to write :/ I just wanna say that I miss you fvcking a lot. Hell yeah, I miss you I miss you! But too bad, I don't know what to do! Stupid? Oh well, I know I am. Aaa I need you, you're all that I need! I don't wanna live without you cause I know I can't. You're the one I want to be with, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, the one I see myself growing old with. You're the only one that has shown me that you really care. You're the only one I need, the only one I want, the only one I love, the one I always thinking of, the one I gave the key to my heart. You're the one I care about, the one that makes me happy. You're the one I want to make happy, the one I want to hold in my arms forever. I wish I could run to you, the one I could be with, I love you.

while I'm listening to Brown Eyes by Destinys Child, I've just realized that I'm so lucky to have you in my life. Cause in fact you're too good for me. You always try to make time for me, but it's never enough for me, I always demand you more and more. You always care about me, but I never listen to you. I never greet you first, I rarely ask you "Udah makan belom?", or something. You believe in me and you gimme freedom but me? Well, honestly I trust you, but it doesn't mean I'm not afraid to lose you, cause in fact I'm so scared of losing you that's why I can't let you free. Sayang, I'm sorry I can't give my best ya, but I'll keep trying kok :) Thanks for brighten up my day and making me smile everyday ya bbi. I love you with all of my heart deh, I swear. I promise I won't hurt your feelings anymore and I will love you now and forever :)

dedicated for my beloved Axel Azarya Pratama!

rain?i have no idea

Rain means washing all the hurts and sadness away
Rain washes away my pain
Rain hides away my tears of shame

And, after the rain..



There will be a rainbow.
Because, there's no rainbow without the rain.

Gila skrg udah jam 11 dan besok gua bangun jam setengah 6? Holy crap. Kenapa sih mata gue gak mau bekerja sama sekali ini aja membiarkan gue tidur yang puas dan melepaskan beban selama hari senin hingga jumat?

Masa, temen-temen gue pada ngiri gitu gue balikan. Bikin bete. Gak semuanya sih. tp yaaa risih aja. udah mana skrg pacar gua cemburu pula wkwk. tapi jujur loh gue suka dicemburuin. tandanya sayaaaang yakan? yakan?

sekarang musim hujan. Gue sangat sangat sangat suka musim hujan.
The way water touch my face, the taste of the rain on my lips, the different atmosphere, the way we running through the rain, everything about rain!

tapi Musim hujan pasti lebih asik punya pacar atau gebetan.
Tau kan ya banyak banget something unprecditable pada saat hujan. Contoh, kayak tiba-tiba lo lagi berteduh dan disebelah lo ada gebetan lo, cuma bedua lagi BEH RASANYA NAMPOL. Atau bagi yang punya pacar nih, pas hujan lalu lo kedinginan dan tiba-tiba pacar lo nawarin lo jaketnya. Or maybe, he gives you a big hug that could warm you all day :)

Hihihi,
gue jadi senyam senyum sendiri mikirinnya.
aku bersyukur aku punya iyel, yang bisa nemenin aku di saat musim hujan dan musim kemarau :3


Apa sih. Gue juga bingung ini gue posting apaan. Random abis.



Udah ah, laper, mau makan.
Dadah.